First Christmas
by RebbieChan
Summary: Lexa has never celebrated Christmas before coming to Clarke's party. College AU. Clexa.
1. Chapter 1

"You know, Lexa, you can admit that you're nervous."

Lexa turned to look out the passenger window. "I'm not." She assured Clarke, arching her chin up in defiance. "You're the one who's going to look like a fool bringing me along."

"Why?" Clarke laughed, taking her eyes off the road for a moment to glance over at Lexa. "Because you've never celebrated Christmas?" The other girl didn't respond, only blinked and swallowed and pretended like she didn't notice how ridiculous it sounded. "That doesn't make any sense. Look it's easy, it doesn't matter what anybody gets you for a gift. You smile, you say you love it. It's that easy."

Lexa thought over it for a moment before saying "Alright," and removing her gaze from the passing houses. "Who all is going to be there, again?"

"Um, Well, Raven, obviously," Clarke added. They couldn't exactly have a Christmas party at her house if her roommate wasn't invited. "Bellamy. Octavia's going to be there so Lincoln's coming, he's from your floor so that's someone you…sort of get along with. Jasper, Monty, Harper, Wick, Monroe and Miller." As she listed off names she realized Lexa didn't know any of them all that well. Or many people at all actually. She had tried to explain to Raven earlier that Lexa was (as Clarke lightly worded it) aggressively shy, rather than rude (as Raven worded it).

 _"She's a Poli-Sci major who participates in debates for fun every other week, I wouldn't call her shy."_ The conversation played through her mind again.

 _"Shy in like a I-don't-know-how-to-make-friends kind of way?"_ Clarke had offered up the flimsy defense which seemed to work to some degree although her roommate still made her promise that her girlfriend wasn't going to stir up any trouble at the party.

She glanced over at Lexa again. If Clarke told her that, there was a strong chance she would do it purposefully just to spite her. So maybe it was her who was the actual nervous one. _I really hope this goes well._

Clarke parked the car and met Raven inside. "Well Merry friggin' Christmas you two!" Her roommate said as they entered.

Lexa looked to Clarke for a moment before giving Raven a small thin smile. "Thank you," she said politely before moving to take a seat.

Raven raised an eyebrow at Clarke as if to say _what the hell was that_. The truth was, Clarke could tell that Lexa 100% thought she nailed that greeting. The cultural trials of being an international student had begun.

Luckily for Lexa she caught on pretty quickly as more gusts arrived to proper holiday greetings and even quietly explained the things she had picked up to Lincoln, her fellow international student, so he wouldn't feel embarrassed.

It was ridiculous trying to pack twelve people in their tiny house, but somehow they made it work. Making it work meant pretty much everybody had to sit on the floor and tripping over crisscrossing legs anytime someone got up for a drink. Clarke was doing just that, accidently spilling half her drink on Murphy who _wasn't_ invited but tagged along with Monroe anyway. "Shit! Sorry John," She called over her shoulder. Maybe that wasn't _entirely_ an accident.

She tapped Lexa on the shoulder with a second glass. "Here." Clarke handed her the drink before sitting down next to her.

"Raven was just telling me about the last party you had here," Lexa said, a half smile tugging at her lips, "I didn't take you for the drugs type Clarke."

"Yeah, I didn't know Murphy had brought pot brownies." Clarke shot a glare at Raven as she explained her defense. "That's why he wasn't invited _this_ time."

Lexa almost laughed, "how would you not know?"

"That's what I said!" Raven interjected.

"I knew after I ate it!"

"God, she was so high she wasn't even mad. And you know Clarke, she's always mad about something."

"I am not!" Clarke protested. She looked to Lexa for backup but she was nodding along in agreement with her roommate. "You guys suck."

Raven cleared her throat. "Speaking of being Clarke being mad, I _did_ get you Christmas gift." She reached behind her to grab a bag. "Bellamy unintentionally helped me pick it out. It's kinda for both of you." She added.

Clarke and Lexa exchanged glances. _Bellamy helped? Unintentionally? Both of us?_ Clarke pulled it out…whatever it was.

Her expression went from confusion to disgust instantly. It was the most hideous sweater she had ever laid eyes on. Yes, Sweater. Not _sweaters_. It was two sweaters sown together where the other sleeve should have been. One half was red and said 'I've Been Nice' while the other half was green and said 'I've Been Naughty'.

"What the hell is this?"

Lexa smiled. "Thank you Raven, we love it."

"No we don't. This is awful where did you even find this thing?"

Raven was beside herself with laughter. "Just for that you get the naughty side Clarke!"

"Are you serious right now?" Clarke was not reveling in the joke her roommate found so funny. "No. This is not happening."

Of course, it definitely was happening. Soon enough the two of them were in the dumb sweater much to the amusement of all the party guests. Even Lexa was playing along, wearing the goofy grin she had likely developed from being trying to be serious all the time – like her face didn't quite know how to smile so publicly. "Traitor," Clarke muttered under her breath.

"Alright, smile!" Raven pulled out her phone for a picture. Clarke did her worst 'fuck off' face and held up her middle finger. "Perfect," She muttered. After a moment she handed her phone to them to see. "Don't bother deleting it, it's already on facebook."

Alright. So she had to admit the picture was funny. They both were playing the roles pretty well, her looking like a delinquent while Lexa was looking at her with a shy smile like biting away a laugh. Funny, but it maybe not right then at that moment.

After Raven moved on to terrorize someone else, Clarke turned to Lexa. "I get her an entire new tool set, and this is what I get?"

"A new tool set so that she would fix your car," Lexa reminded her, "which she did."

"Yeah, well." She had her there, but Clarke wasn't one to give up so easily. "this thing is itchy and what are we supposed to do with our arms?" she added, nudging Lexa playfully in the side with her elbow.

"I can think of something," Lexa said, taking Clarke's hand in hers. It was rare for the raven haired girl to show any form of PDA and so the touch caught Clarke off guard. She smiled and blushed and felt stupidly school-girlishly giddy. "And besides, this just means you are the superior gift-giver, Clarke, embrace it."

 _How does she say stuff like that with a straight face?_ Clarke laughed. "You're such a dork."

"I only speak truth."

"Sure you do. C'mon," Clarke motion for them to stand up, "I have an idea how to make Raven regret this."

They spent the next half of the party moving from group to group, purposely swinging the other into people as if they didn't know they were attached to the other, laughing uproariously as they went partially because it was funny and partially because they were getting progressively more drunk as the night wore on.

"You both are lightweights," Bellamy said as they stumbled into him, this time not on purpose. At that time of night, most people were either passed out, heading home, or like Bellamy making sure everyone either had a ride home or finding people a place on the floor to sleep. "I'd ask how you figure out who drives on nights out, but then I remembered that all you guys do is study."

"I hadda kick'err outov my dorm cuz I wan'ta sleep but she's studying and won't leave." Lexa said listlessly, not really looking at him as she spoke.

Clarke's mouth hung open. "When'd that happen? No."

"AAAAlllll last week. O'er finals."

"OK." Bellamy clapped his hands together. "You need to get to bed." He shook his head as he led by their shoulders to Clarke's room.

"I've been drunkerrr." Clarke told him.

"I know. Unfortunately." Bellamy said. "But I don't think your girlfriend has."

Clarke looked over at Lexa who was talking to them, but looking in a completely different direction. "what tha even mean? I'm not." They waited for her to finish her sentence but apparently she was done.

"Yeah." Clarke nodded her head until it made her dizzy. They made it to her room and more or less fell onto her bed. "Bellamy, you're a good guy." She said, words muffled by the blankets.

"Uh, yeah, ok." He said. "I'm gonna bring you guys some water." Clarke gave him a thumbs up.

Lexa tugged on her arm. "Clarke?" she whispered.

"Yeah?"

Lexa smiled, eyes closed, and by all accounts half asleep. "I like Christmas," she muttered.

Clarke smiled, "Yeah, just wait till Christmas with my mother."

"Mm." Lexa made a little noise letting her know she heard her. She shifted closer against Clarke getting comfortable, her hand still held in hers'.

Clarke kissed her forehead and closed her eyes, deciding she would much rather enjoy this than think about the inevitable drama to come.


	2. Chapter 2

_"You've been with her not two months and you want to bring her to family Christmas?"_

Clarke took a deep breath, knowing that this conversation wasn't going to go over well with her mom. "She doesn't have anywhere else to go."

 _"Where is she going to stay?"_

"She'd stay in my room obviously."

 _"Clarke! You've been together two months!"_

"Mom that's not-" Clarke cut off and threw her head back in frustration. She circled around in the kitchen and took a seat at the table. "First off all, that's none of your business and second why do you assume that that's what I meant? Don't answer that."

She could hear Raven laughing as she came into view, Wick in tow.

 _"I'm just not sure you want to come out as a lesbian to the family with someone you're not sure is going to last."_

This woman was going to give her headache. "Mom. I'm not a lesbian. We went over this. Everybody already knows anyway they all have facebook." She snapped. "You're just making up excuses. She's coming. That's final."

Raven looked back at her and shot her a look, not succeeding in holding back how humorous she found the conversation, before sending Wick out the door.

 _"You know I'm just trying to look out for you."_

"I know. Alright. Love you too, bye." She felt completely exhausted after that phone call.

Raven entered the room and sat down across from her. "So that went well?"

Clarke looked over at her roommate. "It could have gone worse. The real question is," she added, leaning forward with a hint of excitement. "Who are you dating? Wick or Bellamy?"

Raven balked. "Uh, neither?"

"And they're cool with this?"

"Well I'm not dating either of them, so yeah." She stopped Clarke before she could speak again. "This isn't like the whole Finn thing. Bellamy knows we aren't in any kind of relationship and he's more than fine with it. Wick knows we aren't dating, he's ok with that. Anyway," She added, grabbing herself a glass of water from the sink. "Bellamy was like one time."

"So speaking of Finn, how is Christmas going to be for you?" Clarke asked, wondering that maybe she should have also asked her to spend Christmas with her family.

"Awkward." Raven answered honestly. "Very awkward. But he'll get over it. So no, you don't need to add me to the Griffin Adoptive Family Christmas Extravaganza. I don't need Abby to hate me too."

"Mom doesn't hate Lexa."

—

"I know your mom hates me," Lexa said was they got out of the car and moved to grab their suitcases. "I find it hard to believe she's okay with me coming."

 _And you waited until we were already here to bring this up?_ Clarke shook her head. She was just a little tense and wanted to take it out on someone. "My mom doesn't hate you," she said evenly, "She's just upset that I'm even thinking about changing my major, so she's decided that the only reason I'm thinking about it is because of you." _And because we were almost arrested for TP-ing the Mu-Tau-Nu house._

"I don't understand," Lexa said, stopping in the middle of the driveway. "Why would she be upset with you for finding something you have a passion and skill for?"

"Because I also have a passion and skill in medicine," Clarke explained, "And I've spent all of my life working towards becoming a doctor like her. She feels that I'm using getting interested in Poli-Sci as any easy way out."

"So she thinks my major is easy?"

"It _is_ four less years of school."

"So _you're_ saying it's easy."

"I'm not saying anything." Ok, so they were both on edge about this whole endeavor. Clarke adjust her grip on her bags, shitting the weight around so it was easier to carry and continued up the driveway. "Look, you can't say that becoming a doctor isn't more difficult, but that doesn't mean that political science isn't also difficult and valuable, happy?"

"Statistically? Rarely." Lexa said with a little grin. "But you're fine. For now."

"For now, huh?" Clarke laughed, "How about for until this trip is over?" As they approached the front door, her nerves hit all at once like a hard punch to the gut. God, Lexa was right, her mom really did seem to hate her. Who knows what she might have told the rest of the family – she had a slight controlling streak in her. Not to mention the Jahas would be there and Wells always got weird when she brought dates around and his dad just went through this mid-life crisis religious revival so who knows what he would be like. "Actually for serious."

"I can be cordial." She looked over Clarke. "Your lack of faith disturbs me."

Great, the last time she made a star wars reference it was before an exam that she infamously bombed, she was starting to freak Lexa out. Not like she would admit that her nerves were getting to her. "Sorry, Lexa," Clarke exhaled heavily. "I've never brought anyone home for Christmas or to even meet my family before, I'm just a little nervous." She found her door key but knocked twice before unlocking anyway.

Before she could finish calling out, "Mom! We're here!" a lumbering lab bounded into her. Lexa's face lit up instantly.

"You didn't tell me you had a dog!" She knelt down and after a cautious second of sniffing her hand, he crashed into her with equal excitement.

"Yeah that's Leo," Clarke said, putting down her bags so she could get through the door without tripping over him. She looked over to see that Lexa had her face buried in the dog's fur while he barraged her with kisses. She placed her hands on her hips. "Hey, Lexa's _my_ girlfriend!"

Lexa looked up from the dog for the first time since opened the door. "Sorry Clarke you've been replaced." Her smile faded into more of a serious expression as her eyes drifted past Clarke.

She turned to see her mom coming down the hall. "Clarke when you said you were going to be late I didn't think you'd be this late." Abby came over and hugged her daughter.

"Christmas traffic is horrible and we stopped for dinner," Clarke explained as she hugged her back, neglecting to mention the near hour long debate she and Lexa had over which of the McDonald's characters were gay. "I sent you a text."

"Good, I was just going to say that I ate without you," her gaze shifted over to the brunette. "Lexa," she said simply in greeting.

Lexa's lips formed a thin smile and she nodded in response. "Dr. Griffin." She rose to her feet and kept her eyes locked on hers as if it were a stare off. Clarke glanced between the two. Maybe it was.

Okay, so things got awkward fast. "We're just going to bring these in." Clarke said, grabbing her bags again. She had to tap Lexa's arm to get her attention. They moved down the hall to her room to deposit the bags.

Her mom had decided that Lexa would take the couch for the few nights they were staying there. She thought it was stupid, but when she told Lexa she didn't seem to mind. Clarke figured out why as the night went on.

Everything was really weird. They were in a comfortable, more intimate setting, it was her home, but it was also not. Lexa shied away from pretty much anything romantic in a public setting and being around Abby was no different. So, while Clarke was relaxed and acting like she would at her home at school, Lexa seemed to have a bubble around her as if she was afraid it would pop if anyone got too close.

Not to mention how standoffish both Lexa and her mother were coming across. It was like they couldn't stand being in a room with the other. Abby saw her as someone who was leading her daughter astray from her academic future as well as a tattooed troublemaker. Lexa on the other hand knew this and had her highly aggressive defenses up, which didn't help the situation whatsoever.

Finally, after helping make up the couch for sleeping, Abby went to sleep.

They were in Clarke's room, changing for bed. She was admittedly trying to be as distracting as possible, and it was working. Lexa spent more time glancing over at her then actually undressing herself, having only slipped out of her pants.

She calculated this perfectly and there was no doubt that her girlfriend found that fact completely obvious, subtly really wasn't what she was going for. In her pajama pants and a bra, Clarke crossed over the room and sat on the bed as close to Lexa as she could. "You know, you could just stay."

Lexa looked her over and bit her lip. She glanced at the door. "Your mom is across the hall." She said warily. "I wouldn't be surprised if she can hear everything we're saying."

Clarke lowered her voice to a whisper, "well then, we'll just have to keep quiet." She stood up as she spoke and stepped forward, Lexa's eyes following her intently. She played at the hem of her shirt as she leaned in for a kiss.

Lexa kissed her back for a few, brief, wonderful moments, before pulling away. It looked like it seriously pained her to stop. "Your mom is literally three meters away," she whispered, although she was looking at her as if she wanted Clarke to kiss her again.

Clarke rocked back and forth for a moment, deliberating with herself whether to push the subject a little more or drop it. She let her shoulder sag in defeat. "What if you just sleep next to me?" She asked, but the look on her face was an equally wishy-washy no. "Alright, but I at least get to cuddle with you on the couch for a bit."

"Okay," She smiled.

They finished changing and crept silently from her room. Clarke's heart raced as they passed down the hall. She felt like she was back in high school and sneaking out. All the lights were off and she moved more from memory than sight.

Now that they were alone and had the privacy of being further away from Clarke's sleeping mother, Lexa started acting normal again. She took the blanket that had been laid out for her and draped it around their shoulders. Clarke leaned against her. She strangely felt more at home with Lexa's arm around her, with her scent and the sound for her heartbeat and her breath, than she had all night.

Her 'for a bit' became 'for hours' as they watched some of the many Christmas movies that had been playing all week. Although watching was a loose word, for Clarke at least. Lexa seemed to be at least mildly interested in 'Elf,' 'Rudolph' and 'A Christmas Story'. She let her head rest on Lexa's shoulder and half doze off as she ran her fingers through her hair.

Clarke found her mind wandering back to her mother. She was miffed that Abby didn't seem to like or trust Lexa when she hardly knew anything about her.

She felt a draft and snuggled up closer to the other girl. Lexa glanced down at her and shifted to wrap Clarke in more of the blanket. She smiled down at her as if she couldn't believe she had right there in her arms and l moved to kiss her forehead before returning her attention to the screen.

It was silly. If Abby could see what they really were like together, no way would she dislike her girlfriend so much. Lexa was so gentle and sweet to her. Sure she was a little rough around the edges and a bite to match her bark, but when she was with Clarke she was soft and honest and able to put some of those walls down.

—

After spending the morning preparing for company under the same tension as the night before, guests started to arrive. Clarke didn't have a big family and so Abby always invited a few family friends. There was Kane, whom always 'happened' to find her mother under the mistletoe. Her grandpa, who was old and kind and occasionally a little bit angry at things that didn't make any sense. He mom's friends and colleges, Cece, Jackson and Sinclair. The Jahas, Wells and his father Thelonious of whom Lexa spotted, grabbed Clarke's arm saying they were going out to the garage for the drinks and briskly led her out there.

"Why didn't you tell me that my professor was going to be here?" Lexa asked.

"Oh, yeah…" Clarke glanced away, realizing from the tone in her voice that she had messed up. "I forgot, I'm sorry. It slipped my mind." It was the truth, but it wasn't going to help her at all.

"Clarke! He's the man responsible for the majority of my grades!"

"I know, I'm sorry!"

Lexa drew in a deep breath, trying to pull in all of her internal freaking out and shove it as far back in her mind as she could. She rubbed her temple as she spoke, "At least – _Please_ tell me he didn't actually have a midlife crisis and join some backwards religious cult." She was able to read the look on Clarke's face. "That's not just a rumor, is it?"

Clarke winced. "No," the word came out her mouth like it pained her to say it. "That's…pretty accurate."

She could tell it was all Lexa could do to keep her face even. "Okay." She said curtly, "And his stance on the LGBT community?"

Clarke bit her lip. "Uh, that's not in the realm of very highly."

"How could you have forgotten to tell me this!"

"Okay! I messed up!"

"Messed up? This is huge, I didn't prepare for this!"

"Lexa, it'll be fine. Jaha, he's-"She cut off and frowned, realizing what she was going to say was one hundred percent not true.

"He's not reasonable, Clarke!" Lexa correctly guessed what she had been about to say. "He picked _John Murphy_ of all people to TA for a class the guy hasn't even taken!"

"I'll fake an injury," it was a shot in the dark, but Lexa was right. Thelonious was the kind of guy who would fail someone just because he didn't like them. "We'll say I slipped in here and we can camp out at that Chinese restaurant across town."

"No." It was as if hearing Clarke's crazy scheme clicked her mind into focus. "To be truly successful, one must always be ready at a moment's notice." She straightened herself up, putting on a face of steel resolve. "How do I look?"

"A little less gay if you dropped the beanie."

"Be serious."

"Okay!" Clarke held up her hands in mock defense. She opened mirror app on her phone and handed it to Lexa. "You look great."

Lexa nodded and handed it back. She was all confidence and imposition, like she was before a debate or a volleyball match. "I am up to date on all my current events, my eyeliner is on point, I'm going to show him whose boss." Lexa started back to the house as she spoke.

"That's not going to change whether he likes you or not," Clarke pointed out, matching her stride.

"I don't need him to like me, Clarke." Lexa said, "I'm going to make him respect me."

And that was that. When Lexa put her mind to something, it happened. She strode right up to the man, introduced herself as Clarke's girlfriend when he asked what her relation was to the Griffins, and dove into a conversation that Clarke wasn't sure she would have been able to follow had she sat with them from start to finish.

"Your girlfriend is a force of nature." Wells said after having tried and failed to get his father's attention that desert had been laid out. Not that Thelonious was all that fond of deserts, but it was well known that it was routine of him to criticize at least one dish, each course, no matter where he was or what company he was in. "The only other people I've seen hold their own against my father are Kane and your mom."

"You should see her in an actual debate Wells, I don't think I've ever seen her lose." Clarke said. The mention of her mom, made her wonder, maybe if she saw Lexa like this she wouldn't think so lowly of her. She looked over to her, but Abby only barely seemed to notice Thelonious's absence from the 'adult' table.

Ugh, she actually wanted to barf. It was the same thing every year since her dad died. Abby's focus was increasingly on Marcus Kane and, sure enough after everyone had left, she'd find some reason she needed to be 'out of the house' for a while and head out while he was leaving. Merry Christmas.

This year she didn't even catch what excuse Abby came up with. According to Lexa it had something to do with needing to return something. It didn't matter, Clarke knew she was either getting laid or crying or probably both. She wasn't mad, she knew this was Abby's way of dealing with Christmas without her husband, but the las two years she had been left alone. It was part of the reason she wanted Lexa to come, although she didn't fully realize it until then.

Lexa was still on a high from her successful encounter with Jaha. She radiated a certain amount of energy and excitement. Clarke let that feeling spread over to her and tried to push those thoughts out of her mind.

"Your mother won't be home for a while?" She heard Lexa ask, too in her own head to really pay attention to what she was saying.

"For a couple hours at least," Clarke said with a frown. She glanced over at Lexa, _Right, excitement._ She reminded herself.

"If that's the case," Lexa said and in a swift motion she had picked Clarke up.

"What are you doing!" Clarke exclaimed, laughing in surprise.

"We do have the house to ourselves." She didn't need to say anything more than that. Clarke wrapped her arms around her neck and kissed her. Lexa pulled back with a smile, "if you do that I might drop you."

Clarke rolled her eyes and rested her head on Lexa's shoulder. "Alright," She said with mock indignation. She waited patiently as Lexa carried her into her room.

Lexa placed her on the bed and Clarke pulled her over her. Their lips met and soon Clarke was lost in her gentle kisses and touch. For a moment the thoughts that she had been trying to push out of her mind really did drift away. They were more persistent than that, however and continued to prick at the back of her mind as an obnoxious reminder. It was similar to how she felt when she knew she should be studying when she was doing something for herself.

Lexa pressed her forehead against hers. Clarke stared into her eyes, following them as her girlfriend rolled off of her and onto her side. "Why are you sad?" she asked, concern lacing her words and her features.

"Oh, um," Clarke looked away, a little surprised that Lexa had picked up on it. She wasn't sure what to say and had half a mind to dismiss it. It wasn't something she talked about, to anyone. "It's my Dad," She said quietly, "Holidays have been hard without him."

Lexa shifted so that she was sitting up a little and could put her arm around Clarke. "You don't talk about him much," she said. It was true, the only thing she ever said to Lexa on the subject was that he had died a couple years ago and that it was sudden. "What was he like?"

Clarke thought for a moment and smiled. "He was great. He was always starting some crazy project and was always trying to help people. He would have loved you." She added.

"How so?"

"He'd admire your drive," Clarke explained, "and the things my mom are uptight about he'd get a laugh from."

"And your mom?" Lexa asked, putting some of the pieces together.

"She doesn't want to think about it, but her avoiding it has sucked for me." Clarke could hear the bitterness in her own voice. "I spent the last two Christmas nights by myself. I couldn't avoid thinking about him then and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it because she's out…" She searched for the right words, "Dealing with it in her own way. And since I haven't told her how I feel about it, she can deny to herself that I actually am. But I don't know how to bring it up, or if I want to."

Lexa nodded in understanding. Having trouble share how she felt was something she could relate to. "Do you normally tell her these kind of things?"

"I tell her everything. Almost." She corrected. "Or I used to."

Lexa looked to be in deep concentration. She was trying to come up with something to say to help her of comfort her, but this wasn't her strong suit. He could say that Clarke should talk to her mother, but Lexa wasn't one to give advice that she herself wouldn't follow through on.

"Don't strain yourself," Clarke said with a sorry attempt at a laugh. "I feel better having you here."

Not wanting to talk, and not having the energy to do anything else, Clarke feel asleep on Lexa's shoulder.


End file.
